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Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind [18 Aug 2007|07:50pm]
[ mood | pensive ]

If I could erase my life time of painful/depressing memories - would I?

Its hard for me to say for sure. My initial reaction to the question is no. No because my life's experiences have shapped everything about who I am - but then again, do I really like what I am right now? And how much of my answer is tainted by the knowledge that such a procedure does not exist?

Would I be left with anything if I did erase those memories? I am not sure how it would work...Aaron and I were together for a almost a quarter of my life - would I loose all of that? And if I was to erase him, what then of my father? There are many more bad memories there that haunt me in my sleep and span the entire course of my life...

If I was to erase my memories of Aaron, and him of me...would we still be drawn together? Would there be a constant state of deja vu? When we first started dating it always seemed like we were being thrust together. It all happened so fast that now it is more of a blur than anything else.  But the universe stopped pushing us together and started pulling us apart...why? Why was it that we needed to be together in the beginning and once all of the pieces of the puzzle were beginning to be laid for a future, why then were we no longer meant to be together?

What is done is done and there is no turning back now, though the reasons why escape me completely. As of right now I cannot honestly say that I love him - at least not in that context, and from what he has said to me, the same is true for him. It makes me wonder when it stopped. How long were we together when one or both of us were not in it for the right reasons? Part of me still longs to be with him, though its not the same way it was before. And as much as that part of me wants him, I don't think I could ever take him back, even if he asked...but I believe that I am safe from that scenario ever coming to...

I don't really like who I've become since we got together. I don't think it is his fault, but either way I've changed. I am no longer impulsive, adventurous or passionate. I believe myself to be more robotic I just go through the various motions day to day. I don't know how or where to begin to find myself again, but I am going to try...

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The first update [17 Aug 2007|03:29am]
[ mood | hopeful ]

Tonight was the first night I saw him under planned circumstances, and we didn't do anything "naughty"!! I will admit there was part of me that wanted much much more to happen than what did, but I am happy it didn't. We watched Harry Potter, I got upset, and then we talked. We talked about why I was upset and eventually started talking like actual people again! No more ex-girlfriend/boyfriend talk! Nothing is anymore resolved than before, but I feel like it was a step in the right direction...

I am completely stoked about the restaurant! We went over the ingredients and presentation of our anchor drinks and... w o w ....I can't wait to try them all. That day/night will be one that I am sure I will remember for quite some time...details to come... But yes, I think that this will end up having been a good move for me to have made in spite of the fact that I am completely and utterly broke now.

My first day at a real college is on Monday...I am excited and anxious. I hope I meet some nice, intelligent people. It would be nice to have more friends that are available to actually hang out these days. You never realize how much time a relationship eats up until its over. It has been a long time since I had this much time to myself...actually, I am not sure that I have ever had this much time to myself. But it has been good. I have started reading again! I can't wait until I have some money so I can go buy more books! Or Aaron can go buy me the books that he owes me... I have also started sketching/drawing, using pastels and charcoals again. I think I got rusty, but its kinda cool, because now its like an abstract impressionist style. I like it. Once again, when I have money, I plan to buy some good paints and supplies and start that up again.

Music has been my refuge in all of the recent drama. I found a bunch of mixed cds I made 5-6 years ago and they have made me really happy! It is comforting to find that certain song that I can relate to soo much at whatever time. I like knowing that someone has felt the way I do right now and that not only did  they live through the experience, but found a way to make a profit from it. Maybe that is what will happen, maybe someone someday will see the art I've been working on and want to buy it....

So yeah, this is pretty much it for now. I am doing okay, I am sure I will still have lots of ups and downs, but I guess that is just the way life goes....

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New Beginnings [15 Aug 2007|01:12am]
[ mood | indescribable ]

So much has happened, and yet little seems to have changed since my last entry. I don't want to cling to the past or loose myself in the what if's and maybe's, so here it is, a new entry. The beginning of a new life for me...

I am starting a new job.

I am starting at a new school.

I have a new apartment.

I am single...

I have freed myself from the chains of my past, and am now starting over   c o m p l e t e l y .

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quiz gallore [29 Jun 2003|11:10pm]
Fuckit, I'm Sara!
Which Angelina Jolie are you? Find out!

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Which Flower Are You?Find out!

You Are Loss
You are Loss.

Your life defines tragedy. You have experienced
great hardships on an unimaginable scale and it
has jaded your view of life.

What Emotion Are You?
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You have an entrancing kiss~ the kind that leaves
your partner bedazzled and maybe even feeling
he/she is dreaming. Quite effective; the kiss
that never lessens and always blows your
partner away like the first time.

What kind of kiss are you?
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Goddess of the Night. Beautiful yet a strange
darkness and sadness lurk about you.

What element would you rein over? (For Girls)
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lip kiss
kiss on the lips - you're sweet and simple but
quite daring. you move for the kill confidently
knowing the other person wants the same thing.

What Sign of Affection Are You?
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Hopelessly Romantic Geezer Named Alfred

What's Your Personality Type?
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Happy Deathday!
Your name:dubh_briongloid
You will die on:Friday, March 26, 2021
You will die of:Blood Clot
Created by Quill

Magic Number22
JobQueen of the World
SexualWhatever, Whenever, Whoever
Likely To WinThe Booker Prize
Me - In A WordDevious
Brought to you by MemeJack

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when is enough, enough? [20 Mar 2003|07:24pm]
[ mood | discontent ]

never it seems....is that a good thing? maybe, its too early to tell.

as spring break, and more so the summer break approach i find myself wanting more, becoming more and more restless not caring of anything other than getting away...and needless to say that hasnt been a good thing.

its getting harder to motivate myself to go to school. i checked out yesterday at the begining of second period and skipped today entirely. but it seems like nothing more than a waste of time.

the break has been good though. just being able to have a few hours to myself, a few hours with no one wanting the phone or wanting me to do something, just being able to be all alone...it was comforting. ive done alot of thinking...granted it hasnt gotten me anywhere, but fuck it. at least now he knows where everything really stands in my head. he didnt like it, but i think hes ok with it now.

i called independence today, finally. no one answered, so i left a message, hopefully they will call back tomorrow, and if they haven't by the time i get home, ill just call them back. he said he had never heard of anyone getting rejected, so hopefully that will hold true, and i can go there, if not...fuck it. melissa is happy and she just dropped out and got a GED so i can do the same.

besides, a GED would be sufficiant in any life i chose to have. or that i could ever see myself really wanting. its strange, sitting here, thinking that the decisions i make now are going to effect me for the rest of my life...

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[20 Dec 2002|03:24pm]
[ mood | relieved ]

finals are over. how did i fair...not too well, at least i dont think i did. but i atleast passed all of my classes, that's something, isnt it? but now, from slacking this semester i need straight a's next semester, or its off to trinity.

heh, krin says michael likes me. kinda funny. he doesn't even know my last name (i dont think he does anyway) and he was already trying to get me to let him come over later tonight. horny horny boys.....

"wha? a weekend trip? to there? oh, why i'd love to." so yeah, it looks like i might get to have some fun this weekend...not sure if it will all work out, but oh well. i know i shouldn't go. i have much work i need to do, and i wanna see him agian before he leaves....but i wanna go....

i talked to aaron a little bit ago, seems as though all will work out for him and his school too....ill have a college boyfriend in the spring, woo hoo. he's so wonderful. yesterday, instead of being a good girl and staying home to study, i went to his place and stayed with him all day. after we got back from seeing the lovely esther, crazy daniel, and andrew that got in a pink dress, we went back to his house, within 5 minutes he left, to go to the gas station to get me yummy yummy ice cream.

i might get my camera half off if i wait a few more days. i think it would be well worth the wait. i guess we'll see.

this doesn't feel anything like christmas. here i am, sitting next to the christmas tree all decorated with alot of presents wrapped up underneath, lights on all of the houses (except mine, we were too lazy), the nutcrackers and santas all over the place, and yet, it still doesn't feel like christmas. i still have alot of work to do on my xmas shopping. ive bought a whole 3 things thus far, all small, insignifigant blah things.

i need to finish getting everyone's gifts ready....but now...now i sleep

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[11 Oct 2002|03:45pm]
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[09 Oct 2002|08:23pm]
i believe jude has the right idea....these journals should be friends only....and from this point on, mine shall be...
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